Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Physical contact

One of the hardest things to deal with since the abuse stopped has been the lack of physical contact. What I find strange about this is not the lack of contact when the abuse was happening, I could deal with the isolation because I was getting physical contact from somebody even though it was abusive.

Somebody still cared about me enough to do physical things to me even if the care that he had was that he had somebody to abuse. Physical contact is physical contact. It means that somebody feels for you enough to do things to you. Maybe what they feel is derision, or anger, or that you are a convenient punch bag but if they felt you were inadequate or insignificant then they wouldn't abuse you because it wouldn't be worth them using their time on you.

When it ends and you are alone it's hard. It's hard that there is nobody who notices you enough to do anything. It doesn't matter that the physical contact you used to have was horrible, at least it was there. Obviously it matters that it was horrible but in this context it was important because it was there. When it ends and there is nothing it's easy to feel insignificant, you are living a life where nobody hugs you, nobody thinks of you enough to do anything to you and that reinforces the feelings of worthlessness. When you are abused you have some worth because the abuser thinks you are worth their attention.

It's easy to end up craving some physical contact, now matter how small or how unpleasant. Not having it is hard and reinforces how you feel worthless and that's hard. It'd be easy to fall into another abusive relationship out of desperation. I have decided that I'll never have another relationship.

Living without physical contact is hard, I wish I had some but not as much as I hope never to have another abusive relationship. If you have a friend who has been abused, offer them a hug, or even just a touch on their arm, anything that says to them that you value them. It could mean more to them than any amount of money or material possessions.

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